DANTE MEDEMA
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Son of pitch!

9/5/2016

5 Comments

 
It's time for a pitch contest entry. 
This one is Son of a Pitch, and can be found here: 
https://kjhstories.blogspot.com/2016/09/son-of-pitch-peer-critique-round.html?showComment=1473094705818#c5903889465039154243

​Formatting:
Title: A BRIEF ILLNESS
Age and Genre: Contemporary YA
Word Count: 65,000

Query:
Seventeen-year-old Rory Brooks meticulously planned out her entire summer: days at the lake and endless nights at bonfires with her best friend. Her perfectly arranged plans are derailed when her mother ships her off to Alaska for three months with her emotionally distant father and his new start-up family. Her summer is then obliterated when her grandmother Harriet, the only person on her dad’s side of the family she actually knows, has a massive stroke.
 
Rory is thrown into the role of part time caregiver for her grandmother. Then, in one of her more lucid moments, Gran asks Rory to find someone named "Ace." The only problem is, nobody seems to have heard of him, or they aren't admitting to it. With little more to go on than a box of old romance novels, an obituary citing “a brief illness,” as cause of death, and a folder full of short stories— Rory realizes that she knows hardly anything about her declining grandmother. With summer coming to an end, and Gran’s health rapidly declining, Rory enlists the help of Dylan—the romantic boy next door—to find out just who “Ace” is and why his secrets are worth keeping.
 
A Brief Illness is contemporary YA, with crossover potential. It is my first novel and complete at 65,000 words. I wrote this after finding a similar obituary for a family member, but I knew that the truth involved a death that was anything but brief. I was inspired to write a story about generations affected by war—about a man who suffered from war, but not at war. A Brief Illness deals with love, forgiveness, family, and finding oneself.

First 250 Words:
Alaska.
Yes, it's sooo beautiful, and sooo scenic. The air is clean, and the vast expanse of green trees and blue skies are the exact things you see in magazines. Alaska has never been that to me though. For me, it's always been the place I have to go every summer.
I checked my phone. Just twenty more minutes in the flight. 
“Oh, I love Alaska. The landscape is just so beautiful—unbeatable if you ask me. Did I mention I was coming here to see my sister?”
            Poor sister. That meant she was going to have to deal with—what was her name again? Trudy? Cindy? Nancy! It was Nancy, wasn’t it? She’d been invading my space for the entire flight, and I barely knew her. I could only imagine the treatment her poor sister was going to get.
            “You did,” I said, pulling my headphones free of the tray-table in front of me.
            I’ve been successfully avoiding Alaska since my dad remarried a couple of years ago. If his third marriage was anything like his second (tumultuous, out of control), then I didn’t want to be anywhere near him when that bomb went off.
Where my dad is concerned, the bomb always goes off.
Nancy was thumbing through her phone, invading my seat while she pushed an iPhone screen toward me. On it, a picture of a grey tabby cat. 
​

​
5 Comments
Clare Dugmore link
9/5/2016 12:42:46 pm

Your query is interesting, and pulled me in. I've read it over about five times, and really can't find anything about it to critique. You did a wonderful job of making the plot clear, without bogging it down with too many details.

I liked your 250 words, though a few parts tripped me up a little.

"For me, it's always been the place I have to go every summer." - this line confused me when put together with the query. If Rory has to go to Alaska every summer, why is she making plans?


" I’ve been successfully avoiding Alaska since my dad remarried a couple of years ago." - This contradicts the statement she has to go every summer.

I think a little clarity of when she last went to Alaska might help.

Otherwise, great 250 words. Good luck with the contest!

Reply
Josie Smith
9/6/2016 05:59:31 am

The query was very good. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. The first 250 was good too. You have teen voice down very well. But for the first piece of dialogue, you might want to consider adding a tag because I had to reread it a few times to tell who was speaking. Also, what Clare Dugmore said about clarity. Otherwise, it's very well done. Good job and good luck!

Reply
Jim Snell
9/6/2016 11:09:43 am

Like this story idea but don't think the query is quite there yet.

The first 250 starts a little like a travelogue. I think this is your first line:

I’ve been successfully avoiding Alaska since my dad remarried a couple of years ago.

I think that starts it with more tension, and gives a more immediate feel for the story's conflict.

(I'd also make the next word its own paragraph:

Again.

His *third.*)

Just some ideas. Good luck with it!

Reply
Victor Bondar link
9/6/2016 06:21:08 pm

Query:
Seventeen-year-old Rory Brooks meticulously planned out her entire summer: days at the lake and endless nights at bonfires with her best friend. Her perfectly arranged plans are derailed when her mother ships her off to Alaska for three months with her emotionally distant father and his new start-up family. Her summer is then (I'd get rid of then) obliterated when her grandmother Harriet, the only person on her dad’s side of the family she actually knows, has a massive stroke.

Rory is thrown into the role of part time caregiver for her grandmother. Then, in one of her more lucid moments, Gran asks Rory to find someone named "Ace." The only problem is, nobody seems to have heard of him, or they aren't admitting to it. With little more to go on than a box of old romance novels, an obituary (who's obituary, Granny or Ace?) citing “a brief illness,” as cause of death, and a folder full of short stories— Rory realizes that she knows hardly anything about her declining grandmother. (So it's Ace's obituary. It would have some info about him, more than some old books and short stories would have, wouldn't it?) With summer coming to an end, and Gran’s health rapidly declining, Rory enlists the help of Dylan—the romantic boy next door—to find out just who “Ace” is and why his secrets are worth keeping. (And if she fails, she goes home and forget the whole thing? I think you need better stakes.)

A Brief Illness is contemporary YA, with crossover potential. It is my first novel and complete at 65,000 words. I wrote this after finding a similar obituary for a family member, but I knew that the truth involved a death that was anything but brief. I was inspired to write a story about generations affected by war—about a man who suffered from war, but not at war. A Brief Illness deals with love, forgiveness, family, and finding oneself. (It's good, and your pitch should reflect it IMO.)

First 250 Words:
Alaska.
Yes, it's sooo beautiful, and sooo scenic. The air is clean, and the vast expanse of green trees and blue skies are the exact things you see in magazines. Alaska has never been that to me though. For me, it's always been the place I have to go every summer.
I checked my phone. Just twenty more minutes in the flight.
“Oh, I love Alaska. The landscape is just so beautiful—unbeatable if you ask me. Did I mention I was coming here to see my sister?” (Says who?)
Poor sister. That meant she was going to have to deal with—what was her name again? Trudy? Cindy? Nancy! It was Nancy, wasn’t it? She’d been invading my space for the entire flight, and I barely knew her. I could only imagine the treatment her poor sister was going to get.
“You did,” I said, pulling my headphones free of the tray-table in front of me.
I’ve been successfully avoiding Alaska since my dad remarried a couple of years ago. If his third marriage was anything like his second (tumultuous, out of control), then I didn’t want to be anywhere near him when that bomb went off.
Where my dad is concerned, the bomb always goes off.
Nancy was thumbing through her phone, invading my seat while she pushed an iPhone screen toward me. On it, a picture of a grey tabby cat.
​(Okay. I got the MC, setting, and some backstory. You're writing well. My only remark is that disembodied line of the dialogue, but that's an easy fix. I hope my comments help. Good luck to you!)

Reply
Heather link
9/9/2016 08:46:41 pm

OK. So query is pretty solid. I love the premise of your book. It's something I would read. I have a sensitivity for the old times and all that nostalgia.

Query Tweeks:

Seventeen-year-old Rory Brooks *had* meticulously planned out her entire summer: days at the lake and endless nights at bonfires with her best friend. (Something here trips me up slightly. The two sentences together don't flow well. Maybe add a *But,* before this next line?) Her perfectly arranged plans are derailed when her mother ships her off to Alaska for three months with her emotionally distant father and his new start-up family (love this!). *When her grandmother Harriet, the only person on her dad’s side of the family she actually knows, has a massive stroke, Rory is thrown into the role of part time caregiver.

*In one of her more lucid moments, Gran asks Rory to find someone named "Ace." The only problem is, nobody seems to have heard of him, or they aren't admitting to it. With little more to go on than a box of old romance novels, an obituary citing “a brief illness” as cause of death, and a folder full of short stories— Rory realizes that she knows hardly anything about her declining grandmother. With summer coming to an end, and Gran’s health rapidly declining, Rory enlists the help of Dylan—the romantic boy next door—to find out just who “Ace” is and why his secrets are worth keeping.

Took away the comma after illness. Otherwise, I think this is solid. Generally I'm not fond of long personal bios but yours is such a nice touch. Really makes me understand why this story is important to you and why other readers will connect to it too.

In terms of words: I also agree that a stronger first line would be the *I've successfully been avoiding Alaska since... but if you leave as is:

Alaska.
Yes, it's sooo beautiful and sooo (I'm not sold on two sooo's in one sentence. Just me) scenic. The air is clean, and the vast expanse of green trees and blue skies are the exact things you see in magazines. *But, Alaska has never been that for me. For me, it's always been the place I've had to go every summer (since I was (age)). >>could clarify confusion below
I checked my phone. Twenty more minutes.
“Oh, I love Alaska. The landscape is just so beautiful—unbeatable if you ask me. Did I mention I was coming here to see my sister?”
Poor sister. That meant she was going to have to deal with—what was her name again? Trudy? Cindy? Nancy! It was Nancy, wasn’t it? She’d been invading my space for the entire flight, and I barely knew her. I could only imagine the treatment her poor sister was going to get.
“You did,” I said, pulling my headphones free of the tray-table in front of me.
I’ve been successfully avoiding Alaska since my dad remarried a couple of years ago. If his third marriage was anything like his second (tumultuous, out of control), then I didn’t want to be anywhere near him when that bomb went off.
Where my dad is concerned, the bomb always goes off. >>Great line.
Nancy thumbed through her phone, invading my seat while she pushed an iPhone screen toward me. On it, a picture of a grey tabby cat.

Not a lot to edit. Really think this is a strong query and first 250. Good luck!

Heather

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    Dante is a wife, mother, sister, daughter, avid reader, writer,  alien enthusiast, and lover of creativity. 

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